The Family Costco Outing

Know what creeps me out? I mean, worse than people that refer to themselves in third person? (Because I’m really uncomfortable with that. Like, on a deeper level than most people understand.) The people at Costco that are pitching random stuff and keep talking…even when no one is there. There is something really deeply disturbing out this for me. It’s usually the non-food sample people that do this. It’s like they’re mad that they got the crappy sample gig for the day so they’re making us all pay.

Ok, so let me backtrack. Launie and Angelica and I went to Costco this afternoon. This should have been a fun little outing, well, as fun as super packed Costco can be. But, anyways. Everything was going along just fine until we turned the corner near the back of the store and there’s this woman going all Blair Witch on some fabric softener.


Her face is in the display and she’s not moving.

Maybe she was looking for samples?
When she finally did move, she took her vacant blank ass scary face and meandered over to frozen foods.
Nope. SO much nope.
(*Update, Launie told me he saw her too and believes that she couldn’t see very well and was reading the back of the fabric softener boxes…Still not okay.)


As we continue through the store, navigating around packed sample tables, seemingly abandoned carts with kids in them, and at least two separate people pushing carts full of light bulbs we wind up near the snack food stuff at the front of the store where Angelica is milling over jars of nuts. There’s a guy behind us trying, and not very effectively I might add, to pitch vitamins.
“These are really good for men and women,” he says to no one in particular.  
“These vitamins contain all the essential blah blah blahs-“ I may have add-libbed there a little.
Often he would trail off mid sentence. Sometimes he’d just start talking even when there was no one even in his vicinity. It was as though he had to keep talking no matter what. I wondered if there was something in his contract that required him to say so many words in so many minutes. What could be the driving force of this fruitless endeavor??

And he won’t stop talking. More words. Incomplete sentences. Hopeless hooks thrown out to anyone and possibly even anything that will listen.

As I’m standing there, waiting on Angelica, refusing to make eye contact with creepy non-stop talking vitamin guy, worried that I may give him encouragement and could wind up spending the rest of my life standing in the middle of Costco listening to a vitamin pitch, he suddenly materialized right next to me.


And I’m not even kidding, I almost got the word “Nope” out of my mouth, but he beat me to it. He offered Angelica help with her jarred nuts selection.
And I almost noped him. Right in his face.
I’m an asshole.
I assumed he was maybe tired of talking to the air, walls, vitamins, and himself and was trying to pitch them to us.
He wasn’t. He was super nice. He even pointed out that one of the jars had pistachios.

Aaaaaaaaand I’m a jerk.

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