It’s the eve of the first day of spring. The sky was blue today, the squirrels were chasing each other through the streets with reckless abandon, and the birds came out to sing. All of the cliché elements of spring -like weather fell into place, but this year, something is different.I’ll cut to the chase here:
I think all of my neighbors are conspiring against me.
I’m fully aware of how incredibly paranoid this sounds, but it can’t be coincidence that ALL of my neighbors now have basketballs…or that they were all outside yelling as they dribbled them repeatedly. Wtf. Did I miss a neighborhood meeting or something? Was there a flier passed around that I wasn’t privy too?
via GIPHY Bounce Bounce Bounce
Look, I know it’s been a hard winter here in Spokane. The snow started in November and only recently melted. I get it. It sucked.
But were basketballs really the solution to this pent up frustration? I’m excited to see the sun again too, but you don’t see me out there making noises that carry a block over. One basketball would be bad enough. Seriously. ALL of my neighbors? This reeks of conspiracy. As I’m fairly certain that it is considered rude to run around ripping basketballs out of people’s hands and puncturing them (which I have deeply considered), I’ll have to find another way to drown them out.
via GIPHY Seriously though.
To make matters worse, they decided to attach volume-enhancing devices to their children. I hadn’t previously known that this was a thing until today, but it’s the only explanation. Suddenly, their tiny stupid voices no longer remain confined to the alley behind our house or the corner lot at the end of the block. No, now they’re squeaky, shrill voices have found a way to permeate every single sunny-day air molecule for maximum effect. I’m not sure how they did this, but this ground breaking (eardrum shattering) technology is alive and well in my neighborhood.
They also appeared to trained all of their dogs to bark at the same time…maybe taking cues from the reverberation of the basketballs bouncing in painful unison or the children shrieking as though they were being torn limb from limb? Whatever it is, they’ve managed to add their voices to this urban chorus seamlessly.
Fun fact: Everyone in Spokane owns a dog. Everyone. They are all large, typically of the black lab variety, and often of the untrained persuasion.
For the last bit of proof that my neighbors just might be conspiring against me:
via GIPHY FFS
Yeah, that’s right. A SKUNK.
I opened up the front door last night and the little fuzzy stink bomb just looks at me.
…and his butt was facing me. Like he was aiming. He was side-eying me like, “Go ahead. I dare you to come out here. “
This is not ok. This is not even a little ok. I crept slowly back into the house and watched him from behind our glass screen door. Don’t get me wrong. I think skunks are adorable…from a safe distance. Launie said that skunks can spray about ten feet, and I was definitely in spraying range.
Whhhhyyyyy would my neighbors do this to me?? We’re quiet, we keep to ourselves. We have indoor cats that don’t bother anyone.
Ok, maybe there’s a chance that the skunk found his own way into the yard, but it all seems awful coincidental, don’t ya think?
Given the current state of things, I’m going to have to invest in a good set of headphones. The first day of spring isn’t even until tomorrow and already this urban symphony of chaos is about to drive me mad.
But seriously, do you think I’d get in trouble for puncturing all those basketballs?