Dear Council for Basic White Girls,
It is with a heavy heart that I must tender my resignation from this club (though to be honest I don’t remember signing up for it). In recent years I have very much enjoyed a number of its perks such as pumpkin spice creamer, an overwhelming inclination to Instagram my food, and Katy Perry music, but the time has come for me to move on.
To my credit, I’ve suffered through a lot in these last several years, but was willing to turn a blind eye as I continued to overuse cute emojis and take selfies. First it was the yoga pants. Dear God. No one even thought to put out a memo on this.
Tight floral pants that look like someone skinned their grandmother’s sofa are not ok.
Still, I looked away. Not about to give up my scarves and ultra cute boots, it was a small price to pay I reasoned. Then came the Kardashians and the reemergence of Nutella as the greatest food on earth…like it hasn’t been around for a few decades. These were all irritating, but maybe not worth letting go of my basic white girl jargon and trendy iPhone.
I mean seriously, it’s literally not that big of a deal.
But something changed this year. Perhaps I should have seen it coming, but this year it really hit me. There is a Pumpkin Spice Epidemic in this country and it has gotten out of control. Being a Basic White girl was never supposed to be about taking over, it was a subtle kind of annoyance that we could enjoy and others could brush off, but this….this has gone too far.
I never thought about it, all those years that I ran to Starbucks, scarf and boots waiting to grab the most delicious seasonal latte in existence. I gleefully handed over the almost seven bucks and smiled before taking a picture of it with a filter for Instagram. #PSL #prettyleaves #sweaterweather #fallhair
Then came pumpkin spice candles, ok, I can see it, I guess. Suddenly there were pumpkin spice teas, pretzels, and smoothies. I ignored these things, waiting for something pumpkin spice that sort of made sense. (Pumpkin spice M&M’s were not it. Those were freaking disgusting.) Pumpkin spice cereal soon became a thing, as did cookies and even protein powder. A bit much, but it was fine. Pumpkin spice yogurt, bagels, and energy bars came soon after, but then it started getting weird.
Who the fuck decided that pumpkin spice kale chips should be a thing?
Then it was butter. Pumpkin spice butter. Pumkin spice puffed corn in festive orange bags and toothpaste.
The final straw wasn’t Trader Joe’s, though it really should be. YOU HAVE RUINED TRADER JOE’S. Somehow I think Trader Joe’s has managed to Pumpkin spice every item in their inventory. If they haven’t, it’s just a matter of time. It’s going to happen.
No, it was none of these things. It was something that popped up into my social media feed yesterday: Homemade pumpkin spice doggie muffins. FFS. They even had little swirls of cream cheese on the top! I don’t know, despite the fact that it’s beyond disgusting, I think it was just the final straw.
I’m out, bitches.
So you can keep your flannel, friendsgivings, and Instagrammable bonfires. Spare me your Mean Girls quotes and North Face jackets. I’m done.
P.S. I’m keeping Target. I will fight you to the death on this so don’t try me.