Circling the Spam Filter Drain

I received some good news today in the form of a financial uptick. Unexpected money is always welcome. I got to thinking about the timing of it all with Christmas around the corner. My mind began to spin with all the possibilities…things to do, ways to make every dollar count…but because I am me, the excitement overwhelmed me and my head began to hurt and my stomach started feeling queasy. Yep, I got a little good news and it made me sick. One day, when I finally get a book out there and publisher picks it up I will likely vomit.

So as I sit here reeling in the good news, I hop over to the blog and see what I consider the opposite of good…the comment section…I get an inordinate amount of spam. I’m not even kidding, and the worst part is, it’s generally not even good spam. Like, most of it doesn’t even make sense. It’s often poorly strung together sentence fragments and a link or two. A lot of times it’s in a different language and I can’t read it anyway. There is a reason I have made it so that people can’t comment here without approval. Wanna see? Even if you said no I’m showing you anyway.

Let’s take “John the Professional Writer,” valiantly offering his services


Disregarding the fact that he has somehow managed to use the wrong apostrophe not once, but three times in the span of a few sentences, it appears that he may have spelled his last name wrong. A Google search for “John Bushh” turns up nothing, but “John Bush” reveals some fun stuff. He could be this guy:

Or this guy, in which case, no wonder he can’t spell or use proper grammer. He’s a bigot that Trump liked. Ew.

But it’s ok, because he’s here to save our “lifes” with his amazing grammar.

Then there’s this winner with his “little bewilderment.”

Let’s see if I understand this. He loses his essay, and doesn’t have the strength to make another (wtf?) so his solution is to write for money, because that makes sense. So, basically, you are irresponsible and lost the essay that apparently drained every last bit of strength in your body to write…so you decide you can now write for other people? I mean, what’s a guy to do but go to a humor blog and announce your career change on a post about emo cats?

Best of luck with your new “single,” RoccoCus. Looks like you’re going to need it.


Next was the guy who so was incredibly concerned about people choking on ballpoint pens, that he figured he’d come tell me about it.

Sorry dude, if someone puts a ballpoint pen down their throat, they kinda get what’s coming to them.

And then this little gem,

What in the actual fuck, FlashGes?


The guy who basically wrote an ode to the anatomy of his foot…

Jessievax, ya got some issues.


And lastly, Wholesale Kitchen Cabinets stopped by twice.

Though it may seem that way as often as I am there, I did not grow up in Costco, nor will they let me renovate it. Go ahead, just try rearranging the store. They get weird about that kind of thing.

Who the heck are Scott and Boyan? More importantly, who names their kid Boyan? Though I do appreciate the undeniable enthusiasm regarding epoxy, I think Miss Dana here may have sniffed a bit too much of it. This had nothing to do with epoxy, resin, or doing really anything with my hands besides writing. Yeah Dana, it’s a shame you can’t post a picture of the void here with your double exclamation points all over the place. How very sad for me.

I think that’s all of it. For now anyway. There will be more. There’s always more. Go ahead. Leave me a comment. I dare you.

About Melynda

Writer, student, reckless blogger, dreamer and an aficionado of all things funny or caffeinated.

One thought on “Circling the Spam Filter Drain

  1. There I was, innocently enjoying my cold bottle of water—then suddenly, I’m spitting it back out with laughter. You made me a cliche. Thanks.

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